When I saw I could own bluebonnets I got so excited

They’re so beautiful I thought 

What a fun thing to have in my home

I bought two, one for me and one to gift to a friend 

And then they sat in my kitchen for three days 

Life got the best of me I got busy I got distracted I didn’t have time to take care of them

Plant them, love on them.

There wasn’t the right time or motivation to show them off 

And then I walked into the kitchen one day and saw them wilting

Oh no, I thought, please don’t go. I love you I want to show off your beauty no one’s even seen you yet. We haven’t had enough time.

I planted it. 

I placed it on my porch for all to see

Within two days, it died.

I told my friend my bluebonnets died, mine too she said. I tried so hard, I said. Me too, she said, but maybe this is because they aren’t meant to live in captivity.

And wow, as someone who considers herself wild. Someone who considers herself free, I was ashamed. 

What I love about them and their beauty is intertwined with their freedom.

It’s that they have a season every spring where they spring up in fields all over and I can see them in the middle of the street and on the back roads

They are spontaneous. They are vast. They are fleeting. They are beautiful, They are free.

Just like me.

I have often said I am someone you need to appreciate while you have me, because I will leave. 

Not in an abandonment way, but I know how to go with the flow. I know how to move where life takes me without fighting upstream. 

If we are meant to spend time together then my god will we have the BEST time: but when it’s over, it’s over. I will drift away to whatever new corner I’m sent to.

And maybe we will get lucky and life will send me back to you, and maybe that was our only shot. But what I do know for certain is anytime I force myself to be somewhere I’m not supposed to be: I wilt. I lose my spark. I lose my shine. I lose my light. I wilt until I feel like I’m just about to die. 

And then I beg myself, and you, to set me free. So I can be beautiful again. So I can do what I am meant to do. 

And here I am trying to control, harbor, and keep this wildflower from doing what we are both meant to do.

From being what we are both meant to be.

From being free.