I’m being stalked and harassed. Not by a person, though wouldn’t be the first time, by a fucking bird. A mockingbird. It’s honestly worse than a person. Hear me out. 

I’m talking to my coworker and I hear a thud on my window. All of a sudden, I see a small bird staring directly into my soul. “Ha ha what if it’s the bird back from last year?” Oh ya, did I fail to mention this is round TWO of this predicament? 

Last year I’m minding my business walking to my car and a bird lands on top of the car and starts yelling at me. No, I’m not joking, I took a picture however because I thought they were. How funny, I thought. I wonder what’s up with that. I went about my day. But then I proceed to notice that this same grouchy bird is SWOOPING AT MY HEAD and chasing me to my car. WTF. 

My friend tells me the universe is sending me a message. Alright, whatever I’ll bite I’m trying to solve this. I google what’s the symbolism/meaning of mockingbirds. I essentially get two answers: needing to be more self-expressive, and using your voice. Well at the time my hair was fucking pink. My whole head of hair. And anyone who knows me knows using my voice is not an issue of mine. The universe being a culprit is out. Next option. 

The bird gets more aggressive, I’m actively trying to identify what kind it is even. I’m watching it fuck with my neighbors but not nearly as much as it does me. I witness it attempt to CARRY A WEENIE DOG AWAY. My brother tells me I better wear glasses I’m gonna lose an eye. Ha ha. 

I put the glasses on. 

But wait, there are little kids that live near me. I being the upstanding citizen and neighbor I am decide it’s time to talk to the front desk of the office. Purely out of concern for the small children!! Not at all because I was terrified of said bird and refuse to move over an animal. Well like everyone else: the lady laughed at me. She also informed me that it was a mockingbird, the state bird, who’s protected and there’s really not much I can do. Wonderful. 

I’m being 100% dead serious when I tell you at one point this bird was waiting and flew out from UNDER my stairs. I was living in hell. Now by this point, if it’s not obvious you should know the issue is that it laid its eggs near me. That’s what it’s protecting. And mockingbirds are notorious for being nasty little annoying pests over their nest. They also are notorious for having a memory of people they perceive to be a threat or who have wronged them. Lovely. 

Despite mama bird’s fierce protection, she bounced all of five seconds after all her babies collected their first meal. Ain’t that the circle of life. Whatever, good riddance I’m free, right? Wrong again.

So back to this absolute narc on my window. Despite my coworker joking…guess who returned after a year’s hiatus the next day. The. Same. Fucking. Bird. With friends! Now there’s a whole network of them. I walk out to find it sitting by my car waiting for me. “That bird put a hit out on you.” My brother says. 

Ha ha ha ha ha ha help me. 

Except this year all it took was one reappearance for me to learn and readjust how I handle it. Yes, it’s annoying, and between the two of us: I watch out my window (mind your business) and that little asshole is STILL not nearly as mean to anyone else as it is to me. But I also fully get now it’s doing literally its job. The one thing inherently it’s supposed to do: protect its babies so they can survive. Well, shit. 

When I finally put it that way I had to respect it. I can’t make a couple extra steps for two months? Of course, I can. Plus I’m gonna be honest the sound of a bird’s wings right behind your head as it chases you to your car: deeply unsettling. I have since met four different people I’ve never seen before despite living here for years and saw a small very cute puppy named Poncho. And I have yet to have another issue with the bird. My point here: insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. 

If you have a problem with someone or something, you can either learn and adapt or keep getting fucking swooped on and chased to your car. You can either sidestep and meet four new pleasant people or continue to try to negotiate with one asshole who’s predetermined to dislike you.

I’m choosing to learn and adapt.