Growing up Father’s Day was not a holiday we celebrated in my household. I don’t say that in a woe is me way. Truth be told, when that’s all you know you kinda just accept it and move on with your life. But what you don’t realize is how much having an unorthodox relationship with parents can color your view of being a parent yourself until later. 

My brother, (younger though the older we get the more he swears he’s the eldest), has always been my number one fan. If I have one supporter in my corner, it’s Tanner. If I have a million, he’s still leading the pack. When we were in elementary school a kid called me a bitch on the playground and my brother, the first grader, came marching up to them to let them know, “you don’t call me sister that.” (First grade Tanner was all of 35-45 pounds for visual reference.) When I decided I wanted to go to law school he was the first person to cheer me on. He got me an LSAT book for Christmas so that I could study for my exam. When I got into law school he helped me get to the finish line. Any graduation I’ve had he’s been the first to proudly hold my degree to show it off. Multiple times my brother has thanked me for showing him something was possible by doing. This time it’s my turn to give him his flowers.

I’m going to acknowledge an uncomfortable truth. The examples we get at home growing up are what influence how we view the world as an adult, and our abilities within it. This is not to blame anyone: parents are humans too. They make mistakes like everyone else. But the reality remains the same. What you see is what you know. It doesn’t always have to be a negative thing, but the truth of the matter is: it can be. And particularly in a day and age where we harp on people to “do the bare minimum” or “they should know better.” it might be worth remembering that amount of people moving about the world forging their own example and learning as they go. I didn’t ever really know if kids could be in the cards for me. I didn’t know if I had any business being a parent. I knew I didn’t super enjoy my childhood and I didn’t want to do that to anyone else either. I have moved about my life with that same mentality, well forever. Until I became an Aunt. 

The father I have watched my brother become is not what we saw or knew growing up, and so much better than I even knew to imagine. My brother’s a hands-on dad in every way he can be, whenever he can be. He is thoughtful about what they want and would enjoy. He loves to work out in his garage, so he built the kids a swing in there so they can take turns and play while he works out. He is loving and patient with them. He tries to spend as much time with them as he can. He recently got them several little chicks and two ducklings to raise. When it became apparent it would be a safer smarter decision for them to live a little further out of the city, they moved. 

Watching my brother parent these last several years has wholly flipped what I thought I knew on its head. He takes care of himself, his family, and quite frankly me occasionally. Of course, he doesn’t do it alone, my sister-in-law is a rock star (in fact I may be her number one fan). But that doesn’t change the fact that I have watched in awe someone I used to have to speak to adults for because he was so shy absolutely lap me in life in an area I’ve been so hesitant to even touch. To watch him do it with grace, humility, and successfully at that. To watch him become an example in an area we lacked one.

We forget sometimes what an uphill battle it can be to do, be, and teach better than you knew. To lead in an unpaved direction. They are the ones creating the example, for themselves and others, for the first time. People learn from what they see, and children from homes with estranged parents… they are the ones rewriting that history firsthand by doing when they have kids and strive for better. They lead by doing.

And I think perhaps Tanner doesn’t realize that goes beyond his household.

I am so incredibly, deeply proud of him. And for any parent who is trying to do and be better than what they were shown growing up: I am proud of you too. Finally, it’s my turn to say: Thank you for showing me what is possible by doing, Tanner. Happy Father’s Day.