In honor of May being mental health awareness month I figured there was no better time than the present to finally write about anxiety. My anxiety and I have a really complicated relationship, as I’m sure most people do with theirs, because in a lot of ways I credit a lot of my success to it. I truly feel I would not have gotten as far as I have had I not had anxiety motivating me to keep it moving. Nothing lights a fire under your ass quite like sheer panic of failure and an inability to sleep peacefully until you have finished a task. But on the same token, the underbelly of dealing with such a beast when you don’t have it in check can get really dark really fast.
If I’m being truthful I really don’t remember a time without it. I may not have realized at the time what it is was, but I remember the side effects of anxiety as early as five years old. I had a therapist once refer to it as my “antennas” because I was always hyper aware as a child of everything going on. The reality though is the older I get the more I realize these were responses to dealing with things like my anxiety. I remember having panic attacks in middle and high school and not understanding what was happening. It truly wasn’t until I got to college that someone sat me down and explained, hey this has a name. And even then, I still didn’t understand I had it. Because everyone has anxiety, right? There is a certain level of anxiousness that is normal for everyone and I dare say inevitable.
But when it gets bigger than yourself, that’s when we have a problem. For the most part I had it in enough check that I could still function and was highly productive, or so I thought. However, getting into a grad program like I did, all of that escalates for everyone and fast. So, if you are already coming in with some base line anxiety, best believe you need to get it under control ASAP because it will only get worse. Ironically, I did have a very good friend of mine suggest I get put on anxiety meds the Christmas before I finally hit my wall. At the time, I very much brushed it off. Thanks, but no thanks. I got this. But the following summer I was under so much pressure professionally and personally that I just couldn’t deny any more I had a problem. I was rushing to meet a court filing deadline for my internship, and I made it within five minutes of the cut off. After I handed the clerk the motion I started physically shaking walking out of the courthouse. I hadn’t been eating, I couldn’t sleep, I kept crying at work (which is NOT normal for me), and I was having an ungodly amount of panic attacks. I was stuck in this vicious loop of hell that wouldn’t end, because my lack of sleep only made my panic attacks worse as I was so exhausted. I went home and sat on my bed and thought, ‘Alright, maybe it is time for some fucking anxiety meds.’
By the time I finally asked my doctor for some she told me I had had the amount of panic attacks in three weeks they look for someone to have in three months to prescribe. Um, red flag. I like everyone else was super resistant to meds for so long because I was worried that I would feel like a zombie, that it would fuck with my productivity (I didn’t have time to deal with this inconvenience, right?), or that I would have some weird scarlet letter as a crazy person for needing to be on them. And you know, maybe I am crazy but who cares. Pretending I’m not if that is the case isn’t really going to change that, now is it? I remain very vocal about the reality that anxiety meds are not for everyone, some people are very capable of managing their anxiety without them. Some people just need them temporarily to get some management techniques under control and then they can transition back off. Some people feel more comfortable on them indefinitely. I am not sure where I fall into, there are days I am happy to remain on them indefinitely. There are days I strive to see a time to get off of them. What I will say is recently I thought about getting off them and then I had one of my worst anxiety days I’ve had in a minute. Do with that what you will. However, whatever category you fall in there is something to say for the quality of life we lead and deserve to have.
There were so many things I did not even realize were a result of my anxiety that were making me miserable. My entire body was so tense and on edge all the time that when I first started taking my meds it literally felt like a muscle relaxer. I was blown away. When my anxiety is bad I don’t eat. (And then I continue to consume caffeine like the addict I am, which also can make my anxiety worse and my appetite but we aren’t here to discuss that today, keep it moving.) I have had a terrible relationship with sleeping most of my life, and while in recent years it has gotten significantly better it is still a very delicate balance for me. I love being outside, walking, hiking, etc. When my anxiety was so bad in school I physically couldn’t get myself to do any of the things I enjoyed because I was so anxious about school and work. Any time away from that was time wasted. I inadvertently started trying to control every little thing I could in an effort to avoid myself being triggered into a panic attack, which tragically is impossible. That has been one of the toughest lessons I’ve had to learn in all of this, we. can’t. control. everything. And you just have to learn to be ok with that.
But here is where I have found my silver lining. Over the years I’ve had to force myself to learn my personal do’s and don’ts of operating with anxiety, and the result has caused me to start viewing my anxiety as that asshole friend you have. Everybody has that one friend that has the capability of just being an asshole. Whether it’s delivery, telling you the truth when maybe you don’t want to hear it, or just in general. Honestly, I’m sure for many people I am that friend. (You are welcome.) My anxiety, though a royal pain in my ass, always keeps me in check and the result is that my quality of life has improved significantly. I have been forced to be principled about work life balance. I cannot lie to myself about self-care, something I previously looked at as something I ‘didn’t have time for’. Now I have to make time for it. I have to work out during the week, I have to sleep, I have to eat. These things sound silly, common sense of course you need to. But it’s easy in life to get caught up in everything else and forget about taking time to care for yourself. I know if I don’t my anxiety flares up, and when I start to feel it being an asshole I know I have been slacking on being proactive. It’s forced me to re-evaluate the people I surround myself with or engage with day to day. I can genuinely say almost everything I do, or spend my time on, I am thoughtful about now (in a healthy way) because I have had to learn to put myself first. i.e. don’t put yourself in a position where your anxiety maintenance is going to be on the back burner. Because at the end of the day the only person suffering from the side effects of that is going to be me.
I am not going to lie and act like I still don’t have bad days, of course I do. I still get frustrated I even have to deal with it at all. Wouldn’t it be nice to just be ‘normal’? Why when I know something is completely irrational does it continue make me feel like something is about to get me? I went through a period after getting on meds where I had to essentially relearn how to function and be productive without the constant dread or fear. Which sounds pleasant to have lost, but for someone like me whose only ever known that, I felt like I lost my ✨ spark✨ . Like everything else in life, it’s a journey. It comes and goes in waves. But one in which I have finally been able to find some peace, so for that I am very grateful. For those of you struggling with anxiety, anxiety management, or just having a bad anxiety day: I see you, I hear you, I feel for you. I’m always happy to lend an ear if you feel you need it. It may be a pain in the ass, but it’s ✨ our ✨ pain in the ass. Know you aren’t alone.
With Love,
Kels
Volume III 
Leave a comment