I know I’ve spoken before about the struggle I have with sitting still, but I don’t think I’ve explained when I say that I also mean physically living somewhere as well. Growing up I moved..a lot. I often joke, though it’s actually a factual statement, the longest I’ve ever lived in the same place was four years and it caught on fire. Even when I’ve remained in a singular city for an extended amount of time, I’ve always continued to move within it often as well. I’ve always entered into either a city or a home with an expiration date. Which is not necessarily a bad thing (until it’s time for a background check… PITA), but I currently find myself in quite a bizarre spot. Uncharted territory if you will. For the first time in my life I find myself relocating to actually… settle in? I have no expiration date, no future plans that will necessitate a move, no certainty really on any of it. Just a: well I’ve been talking about this long enough let’s see if this works out.

I have never really had an opportunity until now to move somewhere, both city and physical roof over my head, and actually make it a home. With permanence. I’m not saying places I’ve lived haven’t been home, but I always made my home more in the people than the place. This time I actually get to invest in a home by investing in a space that is mine. Furniture I want, location I want, you get the picture. Space that is actually mine and I can stay however long I want, and I can leave whenever I want. A nice concept, and yet a foreign one to me even though I’m almost 30 years old. While I am incredibly excited, I also find myself very nervous.

It’s hard not to laugh at the irony of how nervous I am when I have repeatedly picked up and moved to a completely new place or city on a whim knowing next to no one. If anything, this is the closest I’ve been to A LOT of friends and family in years. And it used to not even phase me to just take the leap and try it out, figure out the rest later. So, when I found myself with so many nerves around this move I kept trying to figure out what it was I was so scared about. Then I realized that it was the permanence. I’ve never been able to go into something without an expiration date. I’ve always had something (school, life, or whatever else) coming up or that I was working towards that meant I was only going to be somewhere for a set amount of time. I’ve very much operated on the ‘enjoy it while you have it’ mentality because eventually I will be going and it will happen quickly. I think so often we talk about how big bad and scary it is for someone to just up and move somewhere completely new and start over, and it can be. But, I think we forget that it also can be big bad and scary sometimes for people to actually settle down with some permanence somewhere. Seems like a big decision for someone like me who has had to teach herself to sit still. I’m beginning to realize why it was so hard for me post grad to make ANY dang decision. It was just the first time I was allowed an opportunity to make one with some permanence.

Now, because I’m a natural anxious individual I also get in my head about making sure whatever decisions I make aren’t going to be a ‘mistake’. Like anything I do is not reversible.  So, it has taken me about a year to actually put into motion and commit to a place I’ve been talking about moving to since September 2019. And I still feel like I have not a clue what I’m doing. I say this to say: it’s easy to only see the end product of someone’s decisions, work, or long-term goal and miss all the other factors that have fed into it. All the other insecurities and doubts that make us all human. All the other factors that are still up in the air, and all the other uncertainties. It’s even easier to compare ourselves and then feel like we aren’t doing enough, don’t have enough figured out, or are somehow inadequate in comparison. And that is simply just not true. While I am very excited and looking forward to this next (uncharted) chapter in my life, I will be the first to tell you: I haven’t a damn clue what I’m doing. Your guess is as good as mine, maybe we can just figure it out together. But in my experience, I can promise you one thing: the ride will be worth it. 

Wish Me Luck,

Kels

Apr 12, 2021 at 12:01 PM