Let’s talk about Depression. I know normally I try to find and integrate the humor in things, and usually I do when it comes to my mental health too. But today I want to get real without the punch line. It’s hard for me to address my depression without also addressing my anxiety, they have always been so interlocked. If anything, I have predominately viewed my depression as a result of my anxiety, and therefore not real. An effect of another cause, not a real issue of mine. I say this to say I was in a very deep denial about the fact that it was even something I struggled with, much less that I had been spending years holding off a pretty bad episode.

I’ve had many people in my life, family and friends alike, struggle with mental health issues. It’s always been something I’ve taken very seriously. But it’s also something that comes attached to a lot of stigma. Depression particularly can so easily be diluted into something as little as a bad day. A situational effect to some tough circumstances. A loss. All of those are still very real struggles, they still can certainly be depression. They also are presented into more bite size pieces so that it is more digestible and less scary for people to deal with. But the big bad depression, the can’t get out of bed, life is hopeless depression, no one wants to claim that.  No one wants to talk about it. That comes with a warning label, something is wrong with you or you aren’t stable. And the problem with that is that when we continue to view it in that lens it’s very easy to miss the silent majority of people suffering from it that don’t appear to have anything wrong. That aren’t unstable.

I’ve spent so much of life running myself into the ground to get things accomplished and to keep up the façade that I was not struggling with depression instead of just actually addressing the depression in the room. I was so physically, mentally, and emotionally burnt out. When I finished school, the exam, and my bar trip my friends and family pleaded with me to just relax for a bit. Take some time off and wait for results. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, and I couldn’t for the life of me get myself to commit or decide on anything. I was in a prime place to need and utilize some down time to figure some things out.

The problem is when I finally stopped moving and sat down with myself my depression hit me like a train. I was spending days in a tiny dark apartment room, in bed, alone. Occasionally I would gather enough energy to show face and be social, and then back I’d go to my hole. I knew it was not headed anywhere good, and with impending test results I worried about what the final straw would be to throw me over the edge. When I told my friends and family I was moving home they were surprised and concerned, understandably so. I’ve spent years dead set on getting out of Texas to the East Coast, and when I finally did I spent years doubling down that I would not be going back. To say a majority were blindsided probably is an understatement. When I got my bar results back and realized I didn’t get the score I wanted mentally I was in a free fall. I was heartbroken. I was lost. I was unemployed (though by choice it didn’t make the reality any easier). I came home a level of defeated I’ve never felt in my life. I had nothing to do, nowhere to go, and nowhere to start. Suffice to say, things were not good.

I don’t want to over simplify this that one singular issue caused my downward spiral, because it wasn’t. It was a large combination of things with very unfortunate timing and to be honest it was something I had been holding off for at least two years. I knew mentally I wasn’t in a great spot, I also knew I was in a very difficult program that needed a lot to finish. I had several things going on in my personal life that really had me in a bad head space, I was overextending myself professionally, I was still physically recovering from being so sick prior to graduation, and the bar exam is a beast of its own when it comes to the mental. By the time the pandemic hit it was inevitable that my mental health was going to spiral deeper. You can only out mitigate circumstances so much.

I’ve spent the last year cycling in and out of periods of a very deep very dark depression. There were days I woke up crying, there days I couldn’t get off the couch. There were days I couldn’t even open the blinds so I sat in the dark all day. I spent weeks at a time actively battling with myself to eat enough every day, and often the most I could do was Greek yogurt and bananas. There were days I couldn’t sleep, and there were days I couldn’t stop sleeping. I didn’t have the energy to deal with really anything or anyone. I am normally a very social person, it’s safe to say I spent the majority of the year interacting with a very small handful of people. It did not matter that I just graduated law school, it did not matter that I technically had the ability to get licensed, it did not matter that I was ‘successful’.  Mentally, it just did not matter. I should have arguably been at a major peak in my life after such an accomplishment, and I honestly was at the lowest low I’ve ever been. It was scary.

I am so blessed that I have such an incredible support system that refused to let me stay in this spot. I am lucky to have people who are a safe space for me to be honest without judgment. They continued to check in and bug me when I wasn’t answering. They continued to drag me off the couch and get me out of the house, (safely) even in the pandemic. The continued to communicate with each other even about what they should do to help me. I had law school friends secretly talking to pre-law school friends trying to work together to help. (Which I suppose I’ve never addressed, surprise I figured that out and I love you dearly for caring about me enough to do that.) But what about the people that don’t have that? This is with me being maybe 25-50% honest with my support system about where I was at mentally. What about the people who haven’t even addressed it with anyone?  

Even now almost a year from when all this mess started it’s very hard for me to write this and be so honest. For one, we are taught to keep these things to ourselves. For two, there is always the stigma that comes professionally with being too honest. Not to mention I’ve spent most of my life hiding the extent of this from everyone and quite frankly myself. But I also think it’s important to speak up so people can understand that depression doesn’t always look the same, and when they say it doesn’t discriminate they mean it. I’m extremely high functioning. I get everything that needs to get done, done and I do it well. I’ve accomplished a lot. I’m great at spinning multiple plates at the same time and making it look easy. On top of that I invest a lot of time, energy, and maintenance in my mental health. I take daily meds, I exercise 3-5 times a week, I spent a year in therapy prior to graduation. When it came down to it, it still didn’t matter. And I’m not saying that in an it’s hopeless don’t put in the work way. The work does matter and it’s a long game. I mean it in an it’s time we stop looking at depression as a one-dimensional problem way. There is no one solution fits all that will make it go away. It is a daily negotiation of where we’re at. Some days are better than others, some days getting out of bed is the accomplishment. I know that sounds bleak, but it’s the truth.  

I’ve spent a lot of the last year learning to find words to explain mental health best I can to people who don’t necessarily struggle with the same issues. Often, I refer to it as a water line. Some of us are born standing on the water and occasionally life can drag you down a little, but for the most part you are fine maintaining that. Some of us are born at the water line, and we actively have to work at wading in the water to stay above for air. And sometimes mental health issues have a way of making the wading really difficult. I don’t know if it will always be that way. All I know is right now I’m in a much better head space. I’ve spent the last several years learning what helps and what hurts, and I’m pretty religious about working on what helps. But for a time, I genuinely can say even working constantly on what helps, even taking my daily medication, even going in with the appropriate tools, I was not ok. And that’s ok, but we need to learn to talk about it more because depression and anxiety have a way of lying to you. When people are in that headspace and they are keeping all of that to themselves it’s a heavy burden to bare. Sometimes one that is too heavy.

We never know what someone is going through. Choose kindness. Choose compassion. If nothing else, lend an ear. It’s important that we start having real conversation amongst each other about these struggles. It’s important that people feel welcomed enough to have them without worrying about judgement or ridicule. Not only does it raise awareness so we can seek real solutions, it also alleviates a lot of the weight these diseases hold on people to shine light on what they feel is so dark. To those suffering with anxiety and depression: I know the idea of being open and honest about these struggles can be just as daunting as dealing with them sometimes. You are not alone, you aren’t broken, you just unfortunately are going through it in this moment. Hopefully the next moment will get better, and if it doesn’t keep pushing because one day it will. It always does. It’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok that it comes in different shape and sizes for everyone. It’s ok to need help, and to be vocal and vulnerable about it. What’s most important is that you know that you matter to someone, and the world is a better place with you in it. 

         With Love,

Kels

Jan 21, 2021 at 3:45 PM