I am a sucker for a good biography. I love learning about people’s lives, hearing their successes, the struggles they’ve overcome. Finding the string that we are all a lot more similar than we think despite the vast differences of where we’ve come from, and learning from the differences we do have. What can I say, I just love to study humanity I guess. 

I also have a deep, deep, soft spot for learning about mental health and addiction issues. Despite how morbid that might be, I’m a solution oriented gal and something about the practice makes me feel no matter how naive it is, that somewhere in the observation one day we will be able to find a solution. I say morbid because anyone who has experienced and observed those struggling with addiction and mental health issues… well let’s call it what it is: the death rate is high. And often in all of it I find the same common thread of issue, the same moral and ethical question we have all yet to find an answer to:

Where is the line between enabling, and compassion for someone as a human being? 

I will tell you right now, I don’t have the answer. I’m not sure there is one set answer. But I do have observations and thoughts. What I enjoyed about The Chris Farley Show (the book about his life not the actual sketch) was that because of the practice of asking so many people from his life to give their own accounts, stories, and interactions with Chris we actually see him as the full human that he was. Not just the funny man who od-ed. As you would expect he was a deeply troubled individual, he also was kind, he was religious, he was often scared, he was clearly incredibly talented, and he was a crippling addict. In more than one category. 

What I also appreciated was the honesty from those around him and the transparency about his antics and manipulation to get away with his habits. His deep commitment to using, and severe lack of interest in any recovery program. On the same hand, the continued calls and asks for help. The tortured observation of someone self sabotaging in a very dangerous way, and the inability to do anything about it that wasn’t willing to be received. I know this is a depressing subject, but it’s a reality for a lot of people. And it’s layered into a very taboo subject people never want to touch, and affected by a stereotype that often gets people treated as less than human. How does one maintain someone’s humanity in addiction when it also comes with a commitment to abandoning any and all morals to sustain a habit? I don’t know. 

It is an unfortunate reality that addicts do often lie and manipulate to continue what they are hell bent on doing. It’s unfair to ignore that reality at the cost of those it affects. But on the same token, it is also unfair to lay on everyone else’s door step the responsibility to will someone to value their life. A common theme in the book, and in life, is that the people around could have done more or they should have. Well sometimes maybe that is the case, but sometimes not. 

Last year the first book I read was Matthew Perry’s autobiography. He was incredibly honest about his life long struggle with substance abuse, and I will be honest when I finished the book it did not leave me feeling hopeful. Not because there was anything “wrong” in what he said, but there just wasn’t a lot of good indications that even in all of that there was a commitment to not doing it anymore. It was more just an honest retelling of all he had done, the good, the bad, and the very very ugly. Which was his truth, and still a helpful one at that. But addiction is an incredibly complicated disease, and even in owning your truth, without the will to actively change it, there is still risk of death. Unfortunately, as we all know the concern I had has proved to be a correct concern. 

I don’t expect it to be something everyone has continued to follow up on, and to be honest I wish it was not something they continued to report on for the sake of his loved ones. But I do know they have come out with accounts of several people around him providing him with supplies of substances. Are the enablers? Or is the risk greater of him getting it elsewhere when he has the resources to do so? Is it their responsibility to constantly monitor and babysit a grown man? The same can be asked with Mac Miller, and so many other unfortunate examples we have throughout history. 

My point in all of this is that these issues are not black and white. They are incredibly complicated. They are nuanced, and they are scary when you care about someone. Sometime’s the decision is two shit options and both are very hard to stand by. Sometimes all of the answers are heartbreaking answers. Sometimes there are success stories, but a lot of times there are not. That is the reality a lot of people have to live with. 

I don’t have the answers either, but I do think just like the issue we need to start seeing the people as full individuals as well. Their humanity, their good, bad, and ugly. We need to start having more compassion for those around them who are asked every day to make a shit choice between two shit options. We need to stop trying to water down a complicated disease, and accept the uncomfortability of not necessarily having a set answer for everyone. 

It is a journey I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but for any of you who are actively dealing with people struggling with substance abuse I see you and my heart goes out to you. For those of you struggling with substances, I feel the exact same way. I’m not sure the answer, but I know we have got to be able to find a better one than what we’ve been doing. Be kind to yourselves, and be kind to one another. 

-Kels