When I think of my last year, I truly feel like I’m finishing my last mile of a marathon. A marathon I’ve been sprinting ¾ of. Some years are like that, some are more passive. Not in a completely dormant way, but in a gentler pace. More restful and restorative. I had a couple like that prior to this last year, but I could tell coming into 32 it was time to pick up the pace. I had gotten my rest, and now it was time to act. 

I really prefer to do my yearly reflections, and ‘new year’ intention setting on my birthday rather than new years. I enjoy the moment of appreciation for my growth from my last age, the credit for the things I set out and completed, and the time to set my eyes ahead on what I aim to accomplish with my next year. Unlimited potential. 

When I reflect on 32, ironically there was a lot of loss. But not in the negative connotation we often associate it with. I view it as a lot of releasing things I had been holding on to with a death grip that just was no longer serving me. Much like you’d expect if someone was sprinting a marathon literally, the lighter the load the better. People, places, and things that were not adding to my life anymore. Situations I was pouring energy into that were not pouring it back. Conversations I’ve avoided, and other conversations I’d wanted to have but had to accept perhaps my energy would be wasted on that effort. Things I’ve outgrown; identities, boundaries that needed readjustment (or just to be put in place in general), and boxes I’ve put myself in that were no longer necessary. 

Truth be told, I think every year there is some release, but as you continue to evolve so do the layers you are working through. This year just happened to be one where I had a lot to evaluate and be honest with myself about what it is I wanted, and what I was doing to get there. And to be quite frank, how much energy I even had to fight the good fight for things that just weren’t working anymore. As usual, I try to focus on the benefits of such things, and as such there were three major themes I think that will also be helpful for others. Cheers to 33, I hope you find this helpful regardless of what age you are yourself:

“I can do it myself, I don’t need any help.” 

Yikes, when I tell you the way independence is ingrained in my DNA… it was painful to come to terms with my own limitations. I had to let go of the idea that I can do it all, on my own. Because here is the thing: even when I can, at what cost? If I am running myself into the ground to do it, where and when am I even enjoying the fruits of my labor? And while we are at it: Why would I treat myself so poorly? I wouldn’t have that expectation of anyone else, and yet for myself it was a ‘failure’ to wave the white flag and ask for help. 

For a while I wrestled not only with the concept that maybe I couldn’t in fact have and do it all, but that in addition maybe I wasn’t as big bad and independent as I thought I was. (Don’t worry, neither is the case.)  

You can do and have it all, but you have to remember: you don’t have to. Recognize when you need help, and learn to ask for it. Sometimes in order to expand what it is you are doing and capable of, means recognizing there is more accomplished as a team than as an individual. I am very capable and independent, but I am even more impactful and capable when I lean on my community. And I’m a hell of a lot faster with help too. I am very proud of everything I have accomplished this year, but I assure you I have accomplished so much more than I would have been able to alone when I learned to speak up and ask for help. It’s cool to recognize how much farther I have gotten with that approach, and how much better I feel than when I did the alternative of trying to do it all by myself. And if I haven’t told you enough lately, to my people: I love you, I love you, I love you. Thank you so much for everything you have helped me with this year, including keeping my head from falling off, and making sure I’ve taken care of myself. 

“It’s fine.”

Spoiler alert: It was not fine. You know, me and my feelings have not had the best relationship. I have never been a huge fan, and I also never really felt like I had the time to deal with them. Have I mentioned I am excellent at compartmentalizing? Here is the issue though: they don’t go away and you will suffer so much less if you just deal with them when they happen than if you let them fester. 

I am aware this can sound ridiculous. We are all quick to enjoy something like joy or excitement. The problem is when I have associated such negative attachments to things like sadness, anger, and grief. There are no good or bad emotions. They just…are. What I hadn’t anticipated, was allowing myself to feel my emotions, all of them, when they came up rather than later translated into me having a different tolerance for things than I used to. At first I internalized that as something I needed to ‘get over’ or perhaps I was being ‘overly sensitive’. In time I realized not only was neither of those things the case, but I would in fact survive just being honest about maybe something affecting me more than it used to. 

And guess what, when you have taken the time to surround yourself with people who love and respect you they also love and respect your feelings. And those who don’t, will make it easy for you to show the door. I do not harbor any resentment or ill will for those instances, but I am happy to finally be in a place where I prioritize myself and my feelings first. Which brings me to my final point of this year…

Self-Sustenance

I got to a point this year, very close to when I finally had to call it and be honest that I did in fact need assistance, where I had a deeper understanding of the damn saying ‘you can’t help others if you don’t help yourself.’ I will be honest, I was pissed. I felt like I was failing in just about every category, and I also was irritated at how the hell I was supposed to do all of this ‘helping myself’ with only two hands and such little time. 

I felt like a shell of a human. My brain just wasn’t there in the way it usually is, I felt like I wasn’t really present in any interaction of my life. I felt like Adam Sandler in Click when he fast forwards through everything ‘unnecessary’. I was burnt out, overloaded, and defeated. I pride myself in my relationships. I love being able to help others, I am great at problem solving, I can lend a good ear and some great perspective. I love walking, nature, and fresh air. I enjoy reading, podcasts, and music. I had the capacity for none of this. And that was a tough pill for me to swallow. 

I had never run into such a clear wall reflecting back a reality I had long avoided: I do not have unlimited bandwidth for others, and I have extended far past the bandwidth I have for myself. Not only did I not have unlimited bandwidth for others, I truly had finally hit a place where I had next to none. That had never happened to me before (where I recognized and respected that reality*). I didn’t have it, and I didn’t even have the energy to care that I didn’t. I was tapped. 

I want to be clear: I do actually do a very good job of taking care of myself, but self care is not always as black and white as we make it out to be. Self care is sometimes just literal self preservation, and burn out makes that really hard to do. A lot of little things can add up where all the sudden not only have you overspend your energy, but you realize you have stopped doing the maintenance to even maintain what little energy you do have. I had been so booked and busy with so many things that I was just trying to stay above water and maintain some level of sanity, aka a clean home, that it quickly turned into me only doing that and not ever taking any time for myself. Which then turned into me being unable to even speak with most people because I literally was out of brain power and out of words. 

I often advocate for anyone in a professional setting to realize and respect what the scope of their job is v. what they are doing in relation to the bandwidth and longevity of that. To put it simply: how much can you take on without overloading and overworking yourself, and how much are you taking on that is not only not your job but also preventing you from being able to do your job long term because you are burning yourself out. This is especially crucial for people that deal with client facing roles, you cannot take on everything, nor can you take it home with you. That is hard to do. It per usual, really comes back to boundaries. 

Well surprise, surprise, that pertains to your personal life as well. Some seasons we just don’t have it. It being the bandwidth to help or take on other people’s emotions, issues, needs, etc. Some seasons, we need help even maintaining our own. I don’t think it should ever only be taking or giving, obviously. But everyone’s bandwidth varies, and some people are capable of giving more than they take for example. That does not always mean they should, and that also doesn’t mean anyone should be doing that at the expense of themselves. 

It’s hard. We’ve been taught that putting yourself first and being ‘selfish’ is bad. Some of us feel immense guilt for needing help or saying no. And then some of us just don’t know how to read a damn room. 

It’s also hard to show up differently in relationships than you ever have before, and hard to remember sometimes there is an adjustment period for people to catch up to that. We are all doing our best. I just forgot to give myself that same grace. 

I finally took time to get myself back to neutral (as you would suspect I really didn’t have much of a choice haha). So let us remember, this too shall pass, if you are in the peak of it. But even in getting back to neutral, I can tell my bandwidth is still different than it used to be. I’m ok with honoring that, and I have gotten so much more accomplished taking care of myself first. It’s been much more peaceful too. I guess the FAA is onto something with the oxygen masks…

I had a wonderful birthday, and I spent it at a concert that is very fitting for what I would want everyone to take away from all of this.

My wish for us all this year is to find the deeper well, and pour into what pours back into us. 

– Kels