When I started Caffeine Dreams I was terrified. The thought of putting myself out there in this way, sharing not only my writing but just inner thoughts… being vulnerable, YUCK. The name itself is something I started saying in undergrad when I was running myself ragged working 25+ hours a week, taking 18 credits, being on exec in my sorority, AND maintaining a social life on top of my other extracurriculars. I was literally living off of caffeine and dreams.  That’s how I felt about the idea that I would maintain a blog that would be well received, and that I could be a ‘writer’… it was just a dream. 

Starting this in the peak of the unknown in 2020 just felt like a why not. Everything else was upside down; it couldn’t hurt to just do something else out of left field. Despite a consistent 15-20 years of writing in school, I genuinely did not consider myself a writer. I’m now in a writing club where I live. I did not consider myself capable of writing poetry, but some of the best feedback I’ve received is from poems I published in volume II. I am constantly amazed, grateful, and humbled by the consistent encouragement and feedback I receive from people who enjoy my writing, enjoy reading it, and look forward to my blogs whenever I decide to publish them. And that goes for people I know in real life, to people I have never met. I have had people in 30 different countries consume my stuff. That is crazy to think about when I remember how simply terrified I was to even try to start this. 

I have lived what feels like a thousand different lives since the beginning of this project. To tell the version of me starting this, where I am, and what I’m up to now… she simply would laugh in my face. Sure, there are consistent through lines of who I am as a person, but in a lot of ways, I am genuinely just completely different. I spent probably a decade and some change saying I would never move back to or end up in Texas, and I would more specifically would hate to live in Austin. I have never been happier, and this is the longest I have ever lived somewhere in adulthood. I have rekindled and renewed relationships with people I swore I would never speak to again, and I have lovingly had to part with people I swore I would never let go. I have had my heart broken a couple times in the last five years, and still lived to tell the tale. Still made peace, still healed, still kept it moving. More importantly I have loved and welcomed so many more people in my life in a way I never allowed myself to do before. 

I have put down roots, I have explored, I have investigated, and I have accepted. I have dreamed, time and time again; and then dared to try those dreams out. My mental health is nearly unrecognizable from where I was starting this blog, I simply cannot even relate in some ways to the things I was grappling with before. My professional life has been put into a different perspective, and become a significantly less important part of my identity, which in turn ironically has made me excel even more in that department. I have leaned into new identities, retired old ones, and lather, rinse,repeated. I have just had so much fun actually living my life. But so much of what my day to day is now are things I truly did not think were possible before. I am so glad I tried and was open to the possibility anyway. 

It occurred to me this summer that this era of my life, Caffeine Dreams, is over. It has served its purpose and the reason I was struggling so much to continue writing for it was I just no longer relate to the creator of it anymore. She’s not here. I wanted to write and process healing out loud to help myself and others navigate it. I wanted to share mental health struggles. I wanted to practice being ok with sharing my writing, and allowing others to see a more intimate look into my brain. I have done all of those things, and I don’t really have much more left to comment on in that respect. The name alone is not something I relate to anymore. I am not the girl who runs herself into the ground doing things, powered purely by caffeine and dreams. I am still dreaming, but I am also actively executing said dreams and often. I am leaping a lot more than I used to and just seeing how it all shakes out. Yet, I have really struggled with how I wanted to say goodbye to something I have invested the last five years of my life in. 

What I have finally settled on is this: if nothing else is taken away from this collection of pieces from my life, I want you to remember that I thought the idea of this being successful and well received was impossible. That I did not identify or consider myself a writer in the slightest, and that at the time a lot of what I wrote about were things I had never even admitted out loud or discussed with others. And that I was wrong to think that, I’m glad I did it anyway, and it has absolutely changed not only my perspective but my life to be open to trying the impossible. That because of this, I have done that with so many other things, my life is almost unrecognizable and I have never been happier or more present in living. That I have expanded, pursued, and grown into such a different person that I sometimes cannot even relate to the lows I was firmly planted in before. And that I want that for all of you, too. I want you to believe in the impossible, I want you to try anyway, and I want you to be open to where it can take you. I want you to allow yourself the opportunity to be successful at something different than you previously gave yourself permission to do. And then I want you to lovingly give yourself the grace to bow out of a previous version of yourself you no longer fit in, and welcome a new chapter with open arms. 

I have zero intention to stop writing. I am still in the process of figuring out what my next version of this will be, and where. All of which I intend to share for those who wish to follow along on the next part of this ride. But for those who have joined me on this version, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU. I am so deeply grateful. I am so happy it has been enjoyed, understood, and appreciated. I am so thankful for the time you have spent reading my stuff, and the time you have taken to give me feedback and encouragement. I hope it has been helpful, and entertaining. I look forward to seeing you wherever it is I land, should you wish to follow along. 

I LOVE YOU ALL. Bon Voyage, and as I always say thanks to the 2003 classic Freaky Friday:

Make good choices!!!

– Kels